A Time for War and Peace
by nicdvidmaker
Summary: After a couple of secrets were revealed about John, Joss questions their relationship.
1. Chapter 1

**For wolfmusic218. So sorry it took so long. Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Happy Valentine's Day, happy birthday, happy St. Patrick's Day and happy Easter.**

 **Thanks to SWWoman for the beta. You're the best!**

 **The characters don't belong to me. I miss them so much.**

John was laying asleep with his hand in his shorts. It was slick from the nocturnal emissions that had become almost a nightly ritual. He was dreaming about his wife.

 _The sun's rays accentuated the bronze of her skin as she sat near a slatted window. It was their honeymoon. She was wearing a flowing white, blue and orange sun dress with strings for straps. Her face was almost doll like as she wore no make_ _-_ _up and a smile that shone brightly. She twirled a small piece of hair as she blushed at the way John looked at her. He couldn't keep his eyes off her. The look he gave her was lascivious. He pulled her closer to him and placed her left foot on his_ _lap,_ _massaging it as he smirked at her._

" _I love you Joss," he purred._

" _Hmm, I love you too," she responded as a smile crossed her face._

 _He placed her foot on him and she felt his erection_ _through the_ _white linen pants he was wearing._

 _Joss's smile broadened as she slowly moved her foot and toes over him. John moaned as his erection hardened. He cupped her foot as she continued moving. John held on as long as he could. With a low rumble he reached down and unzipped his pants, grabbed Joss, and pulled her onto his lap as he reached up to kiss her. Their kisses were deep and passionate. It wasn't long before John had moved Joss's panties out of the way and was moving inside her. She felt so good. She moaned as he moved within her._

John awoke with a groan only to be coldly reminded that he was there alone. Living in a local hotel since Joss asked him to leave, he couldn't understand how they got here. They'd been married for just under a year. As crazy as their schedules were, somehow they were making their relationship work. Both were in love with each other. After Joss had been shot their relationship turned a corner. No more wasting time, false pride, or fear. They opened up and were honest with each other; they were finally honest with themselves. As their relationship progressed, John was at Joss's place more than his own. Taylor was at his first year of college upstate. Harold Finch gifted them a three-bedroom condo as a wedding gift not far from where Joss's old apartment was located. Once in a while they'd bump heads and have a disagreement, but overall they were happily married and crazy about it each other.

 **2 weeks ago**

"What? You actually have something nice to say about John?" Joss said facetiously as she dipped a French fry in some ketchup.

"If you tell the Dark Knight any of this, I'll deny it," Lionel snorted.

Joss looked up at her partner and raised an eyebrow as she continued eating.

"Truth be told, he's saved both our asses – on more than one occasion," was her reply.

Lionel and Joss had closed a case they had been working on for almost a month and decided to share dinner and drinks to celebrate at a new restaurant near the precinct. Done with their shift, Lionel had already downed a couple of bourbons before their food had arrived as he shared laughs with his partner. Joss had to admit that she was feeling good too. Unfortunately, Fusco's tongue had gotten a little too loose as he started his third drink.

"Yeah, he's literally saved my life," Fusco said with a bit of melancholy in his eyes.

"One of those HR cops had a gun to the back of my head…I knew I was a goner," he said shaking his head.

Joss saw his change in mood and swallowed hard as she listened to Fusco tell his harrowing story.

Fusco lowered his voice getting Joss's attention.

"To this day, I don't know what John saw in me," he said almost at a whisper.

"A dirty HR cop at the time, being held at gun point by another dirty HR cop. Davidson had me kneeling on the ground and was about to blow my brains out when…"

"Wait a minute, what?!" Joss interrupted as she stretched her hand out to stop him.

"You mean to tell me that John killed Detective Davidson?" she ground out trying not to be heard by the other restaurant patrons.

The buzz that Fusco had from the bourbon wore off quickly at Joss's reaction.

 _Crap._

Fusco's face flushed as concern then panic betrayed him. "I thought you knew, Joss."

He needed to try to fix this now. He saw the gamut of emotions running across Joss's face and he knew he screwed up.

Big time.

She couldn't eat anymore. She looked as though she wanted to throw up what little she had consumed.

"What the hell have you all been keeping from me Fusco?"

The question was more rhetorical as she sat across from him shaking her head.

"Joss, John was protecting me," he pleaded.

He reached out to touch his friend's hand and couldn't believe it when she pulled away.

"Joss it was a long time ago. I was a different man back then. Hell, John was a different man back then. But, honestly, I wouldn't be here right now if John hadn't…done what he did." It was though he was pleading with her to understand.

Lionel saw Joss blink back the water that was forming in her eyes. Rarely had he seen her at a loss for words which, honestly, scared the hell out of him.

"I…I gotta go," she said as her eyes darted around the room looking for the exit. Joss threw the cloth napkin down on the table, stood up and left. She hurriedly left the restaurant leaving Fusco holding his head. He knew he messed up and knew John was going to rip him a new one.

"Dammit," he yelled.

Lionel's hands slammed the table causing Joss's wine glass to topple over and broke it in half, startling the patrons of the restaurant.

He stood up, threw some bills down to cover the check and stormed out of the restaurant.

* * *

John and Joss had just gone to pick out a Christmas tree the night before. They didn't get to decorate it because John pulled out the fresh mistletoe they were gifted by the Christmas tree lot's owner, and one thing led to another. They spent the evening making love. This would be their first Christmas together as a married couple. They promised each other that they'd decorate the tree when they both made it home tomorrow night. They even made provision if either one got hung up at work, the other was given cart blanche to decorate any way they pleased. This was incentive to get home as soon as possible.

* * *

Joss arrived home before John and sat on the sofa looking up at the tree feeling like she had been kicked in the gut. The last thing on her mind was decorating a Christmas tree. She felt anger rising inside, anxiety building in her chest, and a deep sadness throughout her entire being. She felt betrayed, hurt, and misled. The coolness of her hands tingled as she covered her face with her hands. She inhaled deeply and slowly exhaled as she tried to calm herself down. She poured herself a small glass of brandy only to drink it down and pour another. Joss rarely went to alcohol to try to calm down, but this time felt like an exception was needed. The array of emotions she was currently experiencing made her feel overwhelmed and needed to be dulled.

A couple of hours later Joss heard the key in the door as she stood looking at the tree, brandy still in hand. She spun around to see John coming in with a smile on his face. He was happy to be home. His face dropped when he saw her face.

John continued to call Joss by her last name and title. They had become terms of endearment. When he saw the pain on Joss's face he made a beeline to her.

"Carter what's wrong?"

She stepped back so he couldn't touch her.

"Joss…what's wrong?" John repeated.

She raised her hand to keep him from coming closer. She stood looking at him and took another sip of brandy.

John continued looking puzzled.

With one hand on her hip and the other still wrapped around the glass, "Hmm…" Joss chuckled as she raised her eyebrows.

"Fusco and I had dinner earlier and your… _friend_ opened up to me about how you've saved his life a few times."

John stood silent with a perplexed look on his face. He slowly removed his suit jacket never taking his eyes off her.

"Seems like brown liquor will loosen the tongue," she chuckled more to herself than John.

"Yeah…" she drew out.

"He told me that you killed Detective Davison.

"So that body I dug up a couple of years ago…I was not only covering Fusco's ass but yours too?"

John's mouth fell open.

"Just something you failed to remember to tell me," she shrugged.

Joss took another sip of her brandy.

John swallowed, looked down for a couple of seconds and pursed his lips.

"Davidson had a gun on the back of Fusco's head. I made the only choice I could," he said.

"You also made the choice of not being honest with me by not telling me!" she snapped back.

"Joss the man was about to execute Fusco," John added. "There was nothing else that could be done."

"And you were okay not letting me know. Taking out a crooked cop without arresting him so he could have a fair trial was out of the question?" she asked sarcastically.

John inhaled deeply.

"So, what did Detective James Stills do to get killed?" she asked as she poured more brandy in her glass.

John's tone lowered. "Both were dirty HR cops Joss. Both had murdered innocent people. Stills was about to murder a number and his son. Again, there was nothing else I could do," he explained.

Joss's jaw clenched as she attempted to process this new information.

"So instead of letting the cops take care of their own and allowing Davidson and Stills go through the legal process, you just decided to take matters into your own hands?" she ground out.

"Joss, I explained…" John said exasperated.

"I'm dirty John," she interrupted, as she shrugged and spread her arms to either side.

"I mean, I'm not the clean cop you met at the 8th years ago…"

"Joss, you're nowhere the same as those two and you know it," John said coolly.

"How is it different John?!"

"You know you have never been like those two. And you never could be!" John yelled.

Joss wasn't satisfied with his answer.

"And you lied," she bit out.

"Lied?! When have I ever lied to you?"

"A lie of omission is still a lie!"

John glared at Joss as she took a longer sip of the bronze liquid in her glass.

"I'm out here slipping someone a roofie, changing DNA results, framing someone else for your crimes, digging up dead bodies…son of a bitch…I got duped!"

"Duped? How did you get duped?"

"Honestly right now, John, I'm wondering who the hell I married.

"What?!"

"Right now John, I need to figure this out," she said sternly.

"Figure out what?" John spat out.

He couldn't believe his ears. His emotions began to mirror Joss's. Anger and hurt contended for top position as John's eyes began to tear up. He was hurt that Joss saw him in a different light. She had been the only one to see the good in him and reminded him of it on a regular basis. Whenever Joss saw him questioning himself she made it a point to tell him that he was a 'good man'. Now she was questioning that; she was questioning him. His actions from years ago were now coming back to haunt him. Although he stood in front of his wife sure that he had done the right thing concerning Davidson and Stills, he was devastated that Joss was now questioning her relationship with him.

John felt himself trying to catch his breath.

"I'm the same man I was when I left the house this morning. I'm the same man that killed Bottlecap to keep him from killing you. The same man you trusted enough to save your son. I'm the same man who would have killed Simmons if someone else hadn't gotten to him first because he almost took you away from me."

John squared himself as he continued looking at her, reminding Joss of his love for her.

"I'm the same man you slept with last night. I'm the same man who loves you. Nothing's changed," he said, grateful that the tears in his eyes had yet to fall.

There was a long pause as Joss turned her back to him. She couldn't look at him. She was still so angry and hurt. Logically she knew that John was telling the truth. With both Davidson and Stills being members of HR, she knew that John probably had no choice in the moments he killed them. But even knowing that, her emotions were still raw.

"I'm sorry Joss," John finally said.

"John, I need some space."

"Joss you don't mean…"

"John, I need some space right now…to process all this…please," Joss said. Her voice trailed off revealing the hurt she was experiencing.

"Please," she pled. She hated the crack in her voice that betrayed her tears.

John's jaw clenched as he walked passed her to go upstairs to their bedroom. He came back shortly with a packed gym bag.

"I'll give you some space Joss, but know we're not done. We're not done," he said as he passed her and walked out the front door. John felt like he was re-living the moment when he ran into Jessica at the airport. He couldn't bring himself to ask her to wait for him. As he stood at the elevator doors waiting to leave his wife that familiar feeling rose up inside him. Well this time he would not let Joss push him away. He'd give her some space, some time, but not too long. He would not lose his wife because of this. He knew Joss could be as stubborn as a mule. John would not let pride get in the way of losing the only woman who truly understood him and loved him despite his past. At least, until this point. He refused to go down that rabbit hole of thinking. They will get past this.

John didn't want to be too far from Joss, so he checked in to a nearby hotel, but before doing so he stopped by a nearby bodega to pick up a bottle of whiskey. He looked down at it, and sighed knowing this would be the only company he'd have tonight.


	2. A Long Way Back Home

**Longer chapter.**

* * *

Joss turned to look at the front door after John had silently closed it behind him. Tears covered her cheeks as she placed the half glass of brandy she'd been holding, down next to the decanter from which it came.

John sat at the table in his room after changing out of his clothes staring at the unopened bottle. Cracking open the bottle, he drank the entire thing in one sitting, as it was his turn to numb the conflicting emotions he was experiencing. He couldn't lose Joss. He couldn't imagine his life without her. John clenched the bottle, noting the coolness of it in his hand. Distracting himself he focused on the different shades of bronze and gold of the cool liquid as he took sip after sip. This was the best gift he could give himself right now. Sipping directly from the bottle he drained it completely. The booze had done what was intended. John's hand loosened and the empty bottle dropped onto the carpeted floor as he nodded off to sleep.

* * *

Over the first couple of days of being separated from his wife, John called and texted to no avail. This was getting ridiculous. Joss ignored every call, every text. She had nothing to say. She'd get a call, look at the caller ID, silence the ringer and put it back in her pocket. It felt like déjà vu. They'd gone through this before. But this time, it hurt worse. She loved him and being truthful to herself, missed him. Waking up after having the most erotic dreams about him was not helping either. She missed being with him physically. John took the time to learn every part of her body that made her hot. She missed his caress on her cheek; his lingering tongue on her breasts, the smack on her derriere as she rode him. Joss missed John's presence, his scent. She missed him being inside her.

She struggled trying to reconcile the fact that her husband killed two policemen, although she knew deep down, it probably was the only choice he had. The revelation of what John had done also forced her to look at herself; the choices she made since joining the team. If she were to be honest with herself, this was what started her drinking. Trying to comfort herself she picked up the glass and began drinking once more. She closed her eyes as she remembered how John told her long ago that he would tell her the truth about the work he and Finch did. John warned her there was no turning back once he told her what they did. Now she sat asking herself why she didn't walk away. She willingly chose to go down that rabbit hole. She'd chosen to take the red pill. A small part of her wishes she had chosen the blue pill instead; stayed ignorant of the machine and the team, of which she had become a member. Deep down, she knew she would have made the same choice. She chose to become a vigilante. After chasing the "Man in the Suit" for so many months, she joined him in his work. As they worked closely together all those years she developed deeper feelings than just friendship. After she was shot in the chest by Simmons and nearly died, John made his feelings known to her. Not only did she join him in his work but would become his lover; his wife. Joss felt like she was being a hypocrite, but she couldn't help how she felt. Looking in the mirror had increasingly become difficult for her. Yet, she was still not ready to talk to John.

One thing the team learned about John was when he became frustrated in his personal life there would be an uptick in knee caps getting shattered and perpetrators getting roughed up. In the past, Joss simply ignored calls and texts. There was nothing different this time. Both Finch and Fusco had been commiserating and knew they had to nudge Joss and John back together. Obviously, the team worked better when all of them communicated and worked together. The ripple effect of the stand-off between Joss and John was being felt by everyone, even Shaw. The team knew however, that the ultimate decision would be between them. Everyone was frustrated by the situation.

* * *

Joss's son Taylor was coming home from college for the winter break and would be splitting his time between his father's place and his mom and stepdad's. Joss spoke to Taylor before he caught his flight and forewarned him that she and John were taking a break from each other. There wasn't a good way to say it. Of course, Taylor was hurt to hear that they were struggling in their relationship and asked what happened, but Joss wasn't going to discuss anything like that over the phone.

"We'll chat when you get home T," she responded as she ended their call.

* * *

Almost a week had gone by and Joss was still tussling with her emotions. She hated feeling this way. Taylor would get home tomorrow evening. Christmas week and the tree was still undecorated and gifts unwrapped.

She was not looking forward to her impending conversation with her mother, Janice, who had summoned her over to her place tonight.

"Doesn't matter what time you get off tonight. We need to talk. Bring a change of clothes if you think you're going to be late," she demanded.

Janice wanted to speak to her daughter about her relationship. Joss didn't want her mother knowing that she and John were fighting but her mother could sense that her daughter was out of sorts. Janice knew that John and Joss had been squabbling and that he currently wasn't staying at home. She heard the change in the tone of her daughter's voice when she brought him up in conversation. Janice also knew there were two sides to every story and she wanted to get to the bottom of what was bothering her daughter. She wasn't above calling her son-in-law to see what was going on, but she hoped that Joss would open up to her.

Joss indeed packed a bag just in case she ended up getting to her mother's apartment late in the evening. Slamming the trunk down after putting the bag inside, she paused, inhaled, and slowly released the cool air. It was going to be long day.

* * *

Mid-morning, Fusco and Carter found themselves at a crime scene compiling evidence of a murdered young woman who had been brutally stabbed to death. Joss looked down at the girl and thought, she couldn't have been much older than Taylor. The Detective rarely let her work get to her, but it was hard when it was someone this young. She felt a sense of sadness creeping up in her chest when she noticed her husband standing a block away. Pretending not to see him she looked away and continued looking for more evidence.

Matching the chill in the air, Joss's relationship with Lionel had been a little cool since their lunch a week ago. It had been contained to strictly business on her side, but he wouldn't give up on trying to bring down the wall she'd put up once again. He'd been here before with her and knew it was going to take some time, but he planned on regaining her trust. Lionel regretted saying anything about what John had done for him. Not because of the distance that it placed on their relationship, but for the hurt it caused both of his friends.

Fusco and Carter had completed all they could at the site. The coroner was on site and was getting ready to take the body away. Lionel spotted Reese before she did and watched her reaction. Damn, that woman was bull-headed he thought to himself. He had to do something to nudge them together. He walked up to his partner, looked her squarely in the eyes and nodded his head in John's direction.

"He's been stalking you almost all week. I got you covered here," Lionel said, walking away before she could protest.

Joss looked around the crime scene once again and proceeded to walk in the direction of her husband. John's heart pounded as he saw she was walking towards him. He stepped inside the alley and waited for her. He didn't know what to say to her. He'd pled his case the night he left the apartment. John just wanted to be in her presence. He wanted more than that. He wanted her in his arms. He wanted to be inside her. He wanted to be back home.

Joss turned into the alley way, her hands tucked into her coat pockets.

"I wanted to see how you were doing," he said with concern in his voice.

"I'm okay," she lied.

"You're lying," he responded.

His reply pissed Joss off because it was true.

"You should know a little something about that John," she answered coolly.

John decided to ignore the snarky remark and speak from his heart. "I miss you," he said, lowering his eyes.

Joss squared her jaw. She stood silently for a moment wishing she hadn't followed him. She wanted to run, yell, curse him out and screw him all at the same time.

Tears came to her eyes when John looked at her. His eyes welled up with tears and their steely blue pierced her to her core.

She walked past him, and he turned to slowly follow her. She made it behind the building before he did. When he turned the corner, Joss pushed him in his chest causing him to fall back on the brick wall.

"You're a son-of-a-bitch John," Joss said exasperated.

He stood as his elbows were braced by the brick wall as he looked at her.

"I need you," he admitted.

John saw flashes of anger and sadness in her eyes. Her eyebrows cinched as he opened himself up to her.

Joss recognized Reese's vulnerability. She wanted to slap him and hold him at the same time. She loved him so much. She wanted him and she hoped she wouldn't regret her decision. Joss grabbed John by the lapels of his overcoat and kissed him gently. He placed his hands on either side of her face in response and deepened the kiss. She responded in kind and both found themselves battling for the best position as they licked, pulled and bit each other's lips.

John pulled away long enough to repeat his last sentiment, but this time it was more lascivious.

"I need you."

Joss felt the heat between her legs and the bulge in his pants as he flipped her around and pressed her back against the wall. His lips crashed down on hers as she held him in an embrace. Still battling her emotions, she turned her head to break the kiss attempting to take a breath and clear her head. She placed her hands on his chest feebly trying to push him away. He moved her hands away placing them over her head against the wall as he found her lips and they began kissing once again. Joss moaned as he moved down her cheek and neck. There was a push and pull dance between them as John ground himself against her. Joss couldn't breathe and the logic of keeping him at bay had all but dissipated.

John quickly unzipped his pants and dropped them along with his underwear and began unbuckling Joss's belt. Her hands reached his and helped him remove her pants and panties. In one motion John had lifted Joss up, impaling her began thrusting filling her completely. Joss groaned loudly at the invasion as she wrapped her legs around his waist. Their coupling was rough, her back pinned against the abrasive wall. They grunted with each thrust. He filled her to the hilt as she held onto him as he continued moving inside her.

Their union lasted on a few moments when they were interrupted.

"Carter, we gotta go!" Fusco yelled.

Carter and Reese couldn't believe their ears.

John cursed as he slowed his pace and after a few more thrusts reluctantly pulled out of his wife. She had to get back to work.

Joss looked up at him with tears in her eyes as he helped her dress. He quickly pulled up his boxer briefs and pants as he covered up his slick erection.

John's eyes were filled as he looked into her brown eyes. He saw the confusion in them. Still.

"Are we going to be okay?" he asked with a hint of desperation as he continued to hover over her.

She said nothing. She hated that the tears betrayed her as one and then another fell on the apple of her cheeks.

"Joss?"

She remained silent as she moved from under his arm.

She turned to walk away from him as she exited from behind the building, down the alley where she'd heard her partner.

"Joss!" John's voice carried behind her as she picked up the pace, never looking back as she wiped away the tears; never responding to her husband. Both were left emotionally drained and sexually unsatisfied.

Joss sat in the passenger seat of Lionel's car silent for a while.

After a few moments she got the courage to ask Fusco if he had seen her and John together.

"I heard you…didn't see a thing Joss," he drew out.

He met her gaze with his own for a brief second and looked back at the road without another word.

Joss looked out of the passenger window with her hand on her mouth, deciding she would not be embarrassed. She had bigger fish to fry. She had to focus on piecing together her scattered emotions. She had to gather herself before walking back into the precinct.

They'd arrived at the precinct and Fusco found a nearby parking space. Before turning off the car Fusco started, "I know it's none of my business…"

"You're right, it's none of your business," Joss snapped back as she interrupted him.

Lionel was tired of the bad attitude and moodiness of both John and Joss. He would not be deterred in what he decided to say to her.

"It's none of my business but I'm going to speak my piece anyway, Detective," he responded sternly.

Joss sat glaring at him.

"You and John need to knock it off and get it together. You both love each other and you both make each other better. And when you're better, the team is better."

"He saved my life just like you admitted that he saved yours. More than once. You know his tactics are shitty at times. This ain't your first rodeo with him. You know him. And you know he is only about protecting innocent people. And, you know that he's crazy about you and would do anything for you. You can't deny that you love him either."

Lionel turned off the car and stepped out without giving her a chance for a rebuttal. He leaned in and spat out, "Fix it," as he slammed the driver side door, leaving Joss sitting in the car.

* * *

Joss finished her shift without speaking a word to Fusco. He didn't give a damn. He was glad he had the chance to get that off his chest. He knew he was right. Lionel also knew that Joss knew he was right. He didn't need her to confirm it. His hope was that she heard him and that it pushed she and John back together. At least a bit closer.

* * *

Carter arrived at her mother's apartment and welcomed the hot cup of chamomile tea Janice had prepared for her.

"What's going on with you girl?" Janice asked after giving Joss a few moments to decompress.

She noticed Joss's shoulders slump after she asked the question.

"John and I have hit a rough patch is all," she responded as she took a sip of tea.

"I figured that Joss. You couldn't get me off the phone quick enough whenever I asked about him. Elaborate," she said.

Joss sighed. "I'm really not up for this tonight mom."

Janice gave her daughter that look a mother gives when she's determined to continue badgering until she got an answer.

"I found out some disturbing information about my husband that has me wondering if I knew the man at all," she said. Joss looked tired and once again her eyes were tearing up. "I'm tired."

Janice stretched her hands over the kitchen table where they sat and covered Joss's hands with her own.

"I can't give you the details mom," she added.

Concern veiled her mother's face.

"I'm going to ask…has he hit you?" Janice asked.

"No."

"Cheated on you or abused you in any way?" Janice pressed.

Joss exhaled a no.

Janice sat looking at her daughter for a while without pressing further.

"I'm not sure I can trust him like I thought," Joss finally admitted.

"That's tough baby," Janice responded.

Another long pause.

"Do you think he'd betray you purposefully?"

"No…no," Joss admitted as she shook her head and jaw tightened.

"The thing is…what I found out he'd been keeping from me…it's forced me to look in the mirror and I'm not happy with who I see looking back at me."

"What does that mean?" Janice pressed.

Joss tried holding back the tears forming in her eyes. "Nothing mamma," she needed to end this conversation. She also knew that her mother would not be deterred that easily.

"No. No. You don't get to do that Joss."

Joss noticed the tears in her eyes in the reflection of tea as she raised her cup to take another sip. "As much as I'm pissed at John…" Joss's voice trailed off. "I've done some things…that I'm not proud of."

Janice stood up staring at her daughter without asking another question. She was no dummy. She knew what her daughter meant. No, she didn't have any details, nor would she ask for any. The look on Joss's face nearly broke her heart. She could see, whatever Joss had done, it was now tormenting her.

Joss opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. "How can I be so upset with John when I've worked outside of the law?" She looked up at her mother as a tear rolled down her cheek.

Janice couldn't believe her daughter was a dirty cop, especially after she had almost single-handedly taken down corrupt HR, but here she was in front of her admitting it to her.

Curiosity got the better of her and she had to ask Joss a question that was now burning inside her. "Joss you weren't a member of that group of thugs you took down a couple of years back were you?"

"No mamma," she answered feebly. "I did some things…" Joss paused as she chuckled to herself and gripped her cupped between her hands. "I _do_ some things to help people that are in danger…"

"You bend some rules to try to save lives," Janice cut her off.

"Yeah. Something like that," Joss responded, wanting the conversation to be over.

"Joss, if the work you're doing is causing you to feel such guilt, then maybe you need to consider another career. But, if rules are being bent for the greater good, Baby, don't take on that burden."

"It's just that I prided myself for so many years for being such a 'by the book' cop and then…"

"You met John," Janice said. It was a statement more than a question.

Joss looked up at her mother wondering how she was so wise. She didn't answer her mother's question, but she didn't have to.

After a few moments of silence Janice decided to cut to the chase.

"So John hasn't hit you, disrespected you or cheated on you," Janice stated matter-of-factly.

"No," Joss sighed.

Joss had become exasperated by her mother's line of questions. The interrogator was now being interrogated. And Janice was good at it.

There was a long silence that hung between them.

"Well Joss, all I can see is when he's looking at you, it's as though you hung the moon in the sky. I can see he's deeply in love with you girl," Janice stated.

"You need to forgive him for whatever he's done…and you need to forgive yourself. Don't take on any guilt that ain't yours," Janice said as she pulled out a cup from her cabinet and poured herself a cup of tea.

"Forgiving yourself is key to forgiving your husband."

Just hearing her mother's words seemed to calm Joss down. She felt the tension in her shoulder melt away slowly. She needed to know that even with her vigilante work with John and the rest of the team, she still had the support and love of her mom. She took a deep breath and finished off her tea.

Her mother stood looking at her daughter and could see the tension leaving her face. Janice loved her daughter so much. She had always been a good child and never gave her or her father trouble. So, she could understand why she may have been having a crisis of conscious.

Joss stood up, grabbed her jacket off the back of the chair she was sitting in and walked over to her mother lightly kissing her on the cheek.

"Thanks mom," she said as she walked out the front door, closing it behind her.

Janice sighed, "Goodnight Baby."

* * *

Joss sat in her car as she sat in her mom's driveway. She closed her eyes as she felt the cool of the air caress her skin. Her phone buzzed in her pocket. It was a text from Taylor letting her know he had made it home safely. She couldn't help but smile as she was excited to see her son. It was just a couple of nights before Christmas. Seeing Taylor may help get her into the Christmas spirit. At least his presence would help her out of the funk she was in. Even if it was temporary.

* * *

"Hey ma!" Taylor greeted his mother as she walked through the front door.

Joss opened her arms as she went for a hug. "Hey Baby!" Joss's face brightened a bit as she hugged her beloved son. "Have you gotten taller since I last saw you?"

"I don't know. I guess."

Joss shrugged off her overcoat and jacket and stood staring at him.

"You're almost as tall as that tree."

"Hey, why haven't you guys decorated it yet?" Taylor asked without thinking as he turned to look at the tree.

He stopped in his tracks and turned to look at his mother. He noticed that she was looking down at the floor.

"I'm sorry mom," he said.

"I am too," she replied. "We'll be okay T."

"Ma, what happened?"

"Too much to get into tonight Baby. Hey, have you eaten?"

"Way to change the subject mom. Yeah, I grabbed a burger on the way home."

"You mind if I decorate the tree?" he asked.

"Yeah, yeah…sure," Joss answered. "I'm tired anyway."

After spending another hour catching up, Joss left her son in the living room as he put the finishing touches on the Christmas tree. She gave him a big hug once again and went to bed.

As she walked toward her bedroom Taylor asked her a question.

"Mom, I want you to be happy. I know you're glad to have your son home but…"

"But what?" she interrupted, as her eyebrow peaked.

"John made you happy. Why don't you reach out to him? I mean, tomorrow is Christmas Eve."

"I wish it was that simple."

"It can be," he said with hope in his voice. Taylor could see his mom was hurting. He had grown to care for John. They had developed a bond and John treated him like his own son.

"Good night son," she responded as she turned and closed the door of bedroom.

After getting ready for bed Joss took a couple of deep breaths and pulled out her cell phone and texted John.

"Are you free to talk tomorrow?"

After a few moments without a response, Joss placed her phone on the nightstand and wiped at the tear that fell from her eye. She turned over and stretched her hand over to John's side of the bed. She closed her eyes as she felt the coolness of the sheets under her hand. She missed him. Although she was exhausted she couldn't go to sleep. She kept mulling over what her mother and son said to her. Forgive. Something her God commanded of his children but was the hardest thing to do. Forgiving herself for not living up to the high expectations she had of herself and forgiving her husband of keeping her in the dark all these years. The hardest damned thing to do.

Joss whispered the smallest prayer as she closed her eyes trying to go to sleep. He wasn't going to respond. At least not now. Maybe he's in the middle of a case and can't answer anyway. She told herself not to worry if she doesn't hear from him tonight. That he's okay. That he still loves her. That he wants to see her as much as she wanted to see him.

"Lord help me," she breathed.

Almost as she spoke the alert on her phone went off letting her know she was getting a text. She held her breath as she reached over to get her phone.

"Where and when?" John texted.

Joss felt her heart perk up.

"I'm off tomorrow so anytime that works for you," she texted.

"I'll be there in the morning."

"Okay" was her simple response.

"Sleep well," he added.

"You too," she replied as she disconnected the call and placed the phone back on the nightstand.

She barely slept more than a couple of hours that night.

Neither did John.

 **Christmas Eve**

Joss had gotten up early as she didn't get much sleep the night before. She made their bed with fresh linens with splashes of deep reds, burgundies and purples. She showered, moisturized and lightly spritzed on John's favorite perfume. She added light make up; not too much. She didn't want to appear overly anxious.

Joss was nervous and excited all at the same time. In those sleepless hours last night, she thought, prayed and finally admitted that she needed to forgive John for not coming clean regarding the shootings of the dirty HR Detectives. She shook her head as she recalled him using Stills's badge to gain access to crime scenes.

Joss brushed her hair as she stared at herself in the mirror. She looked tired. She sighed as she remembered she had to forgive herself as well. She had envisioned her police career in a entirely different way; under the radar, taking the straight and narrow path. Bending the rules, let alone out and out breaking them, had been the furthest thing from her mind. She held herself to a higher standard. But in this life, there are unexpected twists and turns. She willingly joined the team. She willingly joined John.

Joss walked out of the bathroom to find John standing at the foot of their bed, gym bag in the chair in the corner. She was glad she'd put her bra on in the bathroom. His face softened as he saw her standing next to the opposite side of the bed. She couldn't believe that she didn't notice him enter the bedroom. John was always good at that Batman crap. Stealth even when he wasn't trying to be. She also couldn't believe she was feeling a bit self-conscious as she noticed John looking at her. He was wearing blue jeans and a navy oxford shirt. He looked so handsome to her in that moment. She grabbed her emerald green blouse and slipped it on as John greeted her.

"Hey," was all John could muster. Joss looked so beautiful. He missed her so much. He was determined to work through this with her. He noticed her eyes moving toward his gym bag. John swallowed.

"I'm home Joss," he said staring into her eyes.

Her brows knitted together as John continued.

"I know we're struggling to work through this but we gotta keep fighting, and fighting to me means both of us under the same roof."

Joss's eyes softened as she looked away from him for a moment.

When she looked back up into his eyes she saw the tears in John's eyes, matching hers.

"Okay," she whispered.

"Okay," she repeated as she nodded her head.

At that moment John's phone rang. Annoyance crossed his face as he answered.

"Yes Harold," he answered.

"John, we have another case…" Finch started…"It's a child.

Finch heard the annoyance in John's voice as he answered the phone. He knew John was planning on speaking to Joss and was determined to move back home. Harold hated to disturb his friends, but it couldn't be avoided. Sameen Shaw was on another case and couldn't take this one.

"I'll be there soon," John disconnected the call.

John looked at Joss and saw disappointment. Mixed emotions stirred within him. He hated to disappoint her, but the same disappointment revealed the desire she had for him to be there with her. Silently she moved over to their walk-in closet and he followed behind her. She pulled a freshly pressed white shirt off its hanger and held it out to John without a word. John stood looking into her eyes as he began to take off the navy, oxford button down he was wearing. Beneath was a loose-fitting t-shirt. He exchanged the oxford for the crisp shirt Joss held.

"I'm married to Batman," Joss said with a slight smirk as she pulled out a pair of black slacks to finish John's uniform.

He pulled on his shirt and began to button. John gave his best imitation of the Caped Crusader.

"I've always been a fan of the Dark Knight," he returned her smirk as he dropped his jeans, revealing the red boxer briefs his wife bought for him a couple of months ago.

Joss made no attempt to hide her eyes moving up her husband's body. She handed him the black pants.

The air around them was electric but there was no time for anything but for John to finished dressing and head to the library.

"Do you need my help?" Joss inquired.

"Won't know until Finch and I get a better handle on what's going on," he replied looking directly at her.

"I'm going to do my best to not disturb you. It's Christmas Eve. You need to spend time with your family."

"You are my family John," Joss surprised herself as she blurted out.

John stopped as he was putting on his overcoat. His eyes widened and softened all at once.

"Joss I'm sorry," he said softly.

"I was just trying to protect you by not telling you about those…I figured the less you knew, the safer you'd be," he explained.

"I know that now," she said.

"I realized my anger wasn't just towards you. I'm upset with myself too. The dirty cop I've become. I'm no better than the perps I arrest," she said. "I'm so sorry John."

John closed the space between them and put his hands on either side of her face. "You are better. You never forget that. We need you, Joss. We all need you," he said kissing her forehead. John looked intently into her eyes as if he was trying to emphasize what he just told her.

Joss's eyebrows knitted together as she looked up into his eyes. She wasn't completely convinced by his words but as she placed her hands on top of his she felt strongly that they were making their way back to each other.

"Call me if you need me John."

John kissed Joss softly, turned and walked out the door.

 **2 Days Later**

Taylor was coming back to spend his last week of winter vacation with his mom and John tomorrow morning. He had decided to stay with his dad, Paul, to allow Joss and John time to get their acts together. His absence wasn't missed on them and honestly, Joss was proud of her son who had grown into a thoughtful and compassionate young man.

John wrapped up his case relatively quickly and was thankful that the child's parents weren't the best and brightest. They'd purchased a life insurance policy only six months earlier and planned to murder their own son for a cash windfall. They left an incriminating electronic trail over a mile long. Their plan was to take their only child hiking, push him over the edge of an elevated path making his death look like an accident. John made it in time to protect the boy and apprehend his parents. He contacted Fusco to give him the collar.

This morning, Joss was cocooned in John's arms and legs with her back against his chest. Her eyes were closed as her breathing became deeper. John gently caressed her cocoa skin. Her warmth radiated throughout his being made him feel so alive.

"You okay?" he nuzzled into her ear.

Joss was caressing John's legs as she leaned against his chest.

"Ummm hmmm," she purred satiated after coming down from her orgasm.

John smiled and kissed her neck.

"I missed you," he confessed.

"I could tell," Joss teased as she opened her eyes for the first time. "I'm going to be sore tomorrow."

John chuckled into her shoulder.

After a few beats she admitted she missed him too. "I'm glad you're home," she whispered.

"Me too," he answered as he kissed her shoulder.

"Promise you'll never leave again. No matter how pissed we get at each other."

"Never again," he responded.

Joss turned around reluctantly leaving the cocoon to sit on her husband's lap.

She wrapped her arms around John's neck and leaned her forehead against his. John's hands moved from her butt up her back.

Joss opened her mouth to say something but all she could do is look intently into his eyes.

"I know."

John reached up and kissed her on the lips. He slowly reclined so Joss was now laying on top of him. Her breasts pressing against his chest comforted him. His arms around her torso comforted her.

"I know," he repeated.

As they laid in each other's arms, both slept the best sleep they'd had in weeks.


End file.
